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    Dear Beryl...

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    elanya
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    Dear Beryl...

    Post by elanya on 04/04/12, 11:51 pm

    Dear Beryl,
    I'm still disappointed I didn't get to see you for very long before you and the rest of the Thunderbolts headed off to Grimfar. More so as it is the middle of the night and I've just come across a misplaced anonymous note on my desk informing me that you are all in some ambiguous terrible peril. But oh, I shouldn't worry, as really everything's fine and some sort of mysterious plans are in motion to rescue you from sail unnamed dangers. Just in the nick of time, I'm sure. I have already written one letter, in my initial frustrated panic, and I hope you will forgive me for addressing it to the Thunderbolts - I trust them to take care of you, and to be fair the note I received was about them, and not you. But of course I am worried about you (despite anonymous reassurances), which made me wish that we'd had more time while you were here, which made me write this letter. By the time you actually get this, it will likely be less than a week until you're back, and I will probably be less... well, less middle of the night after a looooong week maudlin.

    Vedran, you ask (or I imagine you would, anyway), what in Pelor's name are you doing up writing letters in the middle of the night? It’s a fair question, I will grant you. I have pretty much been sleeping like crap since that last trip to Mythragal, for one reason or another. I wonder if the Thunderbolts told you anything about that? The fact that both Brenn and Alia are from the city, let alone that I have been there before with the both of them ought to have been enough to disabuse me of the idea that Mythragal is not the sort of place one expects to get held up at swordpoint in an alley, but apparently I haven't been paying enough attention. But don't worry, I had a nice chat with the gentleman on the other side of the pointy metal and walked away without losing anything but my dignity, and Kallista and Dheni were with me anyway. I was going to say that I think that was the point at which I think everything started going really downhill, but now I'm not sure if that's true. It was certainly that day, anyway. Probably.

    Everything is not terrible, really. I am just tired, and tonight has been rougher than usual, and having extra unexpected things to worry about is not helping. Seriously, why would you even send something like that? I suppose I should feel grateful that someone is looking out for my friends, but I have too much other stress to deal with, and I just want to know who, and why. And if you were walking in to some kind of trap, why. I find it upsetting that something might have happened to you because you chose to hire the Thunderbolts. I find it upsetting that if there is some danger that I'm not there - I mean, yes, I know the whole point of hiring the group was to go looking for danger, but that's not the same. I feel cut off.

    I really hope you get this letter and can roll your eyes at me.

    I keep getting distracted! I have actual important interesting news! It's even good news! It's also difficult news, though not everyone sees that. Macen has manifested his Dragonmark. It's on his back on his left side, just above his heart. We took him to get registered yesterday... or probably the day before now, I'm actually afraid to look at the clock... so it is all official and everything. The registrars recorded everything in their fancy book and they even agreed that it has all the classic traits of a House Callais mark. Of course I had never been through any of this and Jacinthe took care of her own registry, so I sort of had vague ideas about what happened that sort of lingered from by adolescent fantasy days , but now I know! They have books and books of all the marks and general descriptions of how the various manifestations run in different lineages, and so on. They don't have complete copies of the Callais marks in Highmark, but they have some records because Jeremyn and Melinara both got registered here first.

    I realize I'm rambling more (still), and this is partly because I did find the process interesting (now I imagine Alia rolling her eyes at me), but also because none of the records they have here describe anything like what we've seen. They are tentatively calling Macen's manifestation 'animation', as in the act of imparting life. So far it's been small things and for short durations - mostly his toys. I've looked at them, and so has Cael, and we agree that they do seem to operate a lot like constructs. So, that's what everyone wants their fourteen month old to be doing, right? I am trying not to worry too much about the future, and comfort myself that he's never going to have to go through those awful years of anxiety wondering if he'll manifest anything. We're hiring a second nurse - that's actually what I was doing (yes in the middle of the night) when I found the courier note: going through some of the applications that came in today. There's been a surprising response already, though the position was only just announced.

    I am holding out for someone who has some arcane training, and maybe even artificer training. Which, okay, not the sort of experience we usually find in these kinds of positions, but we already have Marys, and she really knows her stuff. Even if she more or less hates me.

    And speaking of people who hate me (it feels like the list is growing, I might have to add 'the Gods' on there, or fate - I mentioned it's late, right? And I'm tired?)

    Glibness fails me. I'm tired and I feel awful, all the time, lately. Things with Jacinthe have been really difficult. I don't know what to say, let alone what I can do. I feel like the only power I have is the power to make things worse, and so the best I can manage is to do nothing. I thought - I thought seriously - about whether it might be better for me to move out, at least for a little while. Not just because of this, but I don't know if I would have given it serious consideration otherwise. I think I had it in my head for all of a day before Macen manifested his mark. It kills me. I love him so much. I try so hard for everything at home to run smoothly. I don't want whatever is wrong with us to affect him, but I don't know if it's working. I want him to be happy, and healthy, and loved, and it kills me to think of all the ways I limit his chances at any of those things. Well not healthy, at least, so one of three isn't bad. Really I like to think that everyone loves Macen too (and they should!), but when has reasonableness ever had anything to do with hate? I just want to hide him away from everything bad, from everything poisonous in the world, and then I feel awful because I'm not sure that I'm not part of that.

    I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel like myself, and I don't know when I really last did. I'm not gloomy. I don't fixate on all the things I can't control. I know how to have fun, I don't feel trapped because I recognize how much freedom I really have. I love people, even when they're cruel. I don't care that people judge me.
    Or maybe that's the lie, and I just don't have the energy to maintain it anymore. I really don't know.

    There are so many things wrong with the world right now, and I want to do what right, to help make things better, I just don't know how. I don't know what to do. I do know that I'm glad that I have you, that I have all my friends, because I really don't know what I would do without you.
    Okay enough of that. I love you, and I hope when you come back (because you are coming back) we'll have a little more time.

    Your constant friend,

    -Vedran Callais,
    Highmark, 10 of Cymatilis 1012

    P.S. - Okay now it is late morning, and I am completely afraid to read what I wrote here! I was really tired, and possibly there was an incidence of 'Hello, brandy, how did you get into that glass? Well there's only one thing for it now!' that may have previously gone unreported. I am, apparently, sending it anyway because I still feel bad writing a note to the Thunderbolts and nothing to you, and I don't have time for anything else! Just don't judge me too much. Stay safe, be well, and may Avandra guide and guard your travels until I see you again.
    -V

      Current date/time is 20/07/17, 09:39 pm