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    Out with it, then...

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    elanya
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    Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 10:16 am

    Tzesira was in a much better mood - a much halthier frame of mind, she recognized, after they'd defeated Rajan. having gone through a recent (and in her opinion rather dangerous) period of intense introspection recently, she could have, if pressed, even identified exactly what it was from that battle that had brought her out of her funk.

    She was expecting to be pressed, knowing that things had been tense between her and the rest of the party since her return, and the disasterous expedition to the Gnome village (on some level she wasn't used to considering, certainly it had been a disaster, even though their victory had been fairly complete and the mission a technical success). She'd admitted to herself that she did care about that, and more than just in as much as it affected their performance. But it didn't bother her as much as the rift - chasm even - she'd felt growing between herself and Kallista, with whom she'd felt a lot more kinship than any of the others.

    The Tiefling, she knew, wouldn't want to let things malinger any longer than they had. Not quite knowing how to go about broaching the subject herself - and being still rather too proud for her own good - she'd been preparing herself for the confrontation ever since. They were going to have some weeks on this rock, and she just hoped the moment came before hunting down elementals in the forest became too dull an exercise. It was only a matter of time before they had the time and privacy.
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    tuck
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 01:07 pm

    For two days after Rajhan's fall, the Shadar kai prepared herself for the confrontation. But when it finally came it didn't pan out exactly as she had expected.

    It was early morning on their third day on the earthmote, while Tzesira was preparing to leave town to go hunting for the few stray elementals that had taken up residence in the forest.

    The tiefling approached the door to her quarters slowly but purposefully, her normal joviality conspicuously absent.

    "Do you have a second?" she asked.
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 01:17 pm

    Looking the Tiefling over, she guessed her friend was maybe more upset than she'd given her credit for - or else she'd managed to do something new to offend her. But figuring it wouldn't do to get her back up right off the bat, striving for a little more calm, a little more centerdness, she shrugged and let the other girl inside.

    "Yeah. Kinda been expecting you."

    The room was pretty spartan - Tzesira never needed much for creature comforts,and she'd mostly just pile anything in the room of no use or interest in one corner and spread her bedroll out on the floor besides it. A handful of elemental skulls scattered about the place gave the place a slightly ominous air, though Tzesira thought her little trophies made it seem more fun.
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 01:26 pm

    Kallista's eyes swept the room, trying to look anywhere but at Tzesira. She bit her lip slightly and sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.

    "I..." she started, and then looked up, locking eyes with her friend, "I'm sorry."

    "I'm sorry for yelling at you. For... for being impatient and judgemental. I just... I just want to be friends again. When we fought Rajhan and I saw you go down... I thought... I thought you were dead. I thought the last thing I would have said to you would have been yelling at you. I don't want that to happen. Ever. I want you to know that you're my friend, and I'm here for you, and whatever you need, if it's time or space or just someone to yell at, I'll do everything I can to give it to you. You're my teammate. My friend. My sister. I love you. And... I'm sorry."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 01:40 pm

    Tzesira opened her mouth, but she didn't quite know how to reply - an apology really hadn't been what she was expecting.

    "Well.... Fuck, Kay..." Finally she settled on a physical display, since it was a language they both seemed to speak pretty well, gripping her friend in a tight hug.

    "If you still want me around, I'm not fuckin' going anywhere."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 01:50 pm

    Kallista sighed with relief and hugged her friend fiercely.

    "Of course I still want you around. I just want you to be happy. I hate feeling like there's a wall between us."

    She rested her head on the shorter woman's shoulder.

    "I just want to know what I can do to help you. I know you've been... angrier... since you came back from the shadowfell. I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do, I'm here."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 04:29 pm

    "Well... Shit. Happy's just not something I do well, Kay." She pulled back from the hug, looking thoughtful. There were things that maybe she did need to say afterall, if she could figure out how. "Sometimes angry is all I've got - and I fucking need it. I don't know if you - if any of you - get that."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 04:37 pm

    Kallista resisted the urge to keep a hold on her friend and allowed her to pull back.

    "I do get it, T. I get it more than you think. I've seen people who live their lives fueled by anger. I spent most of my life being taught that anger and hatred were all there is in life, and I have to fight every single day to not slip back into that way of thinking. I have to remind myself constantly that there are things in this world worth fighting for. Worth giving up my anger for. Because the only place I've ever seen that path lead to is destruction. Destruction of yourself... and of everyone around you. I don't want to see that happen to you. "
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 04:48 pm

    "No, Kay..." She shook her head, trying to be firm, but not cruel. "I mean, I get that okay? That's not going to happen. But it's... Fuck. No, you don't get it. Do you know *anything* about the Shadowfell?"
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 04:56 pm

    Kallista shrugged, raising one eyebrow.

    "Well... no, not really. It's supposed to be really gloomy? What does that have to do with your anger?"
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 05:13 pm

    "Ha! Fuckin' gloomy - damn, Kay! Fuck, this is gonna be harder than I thought."

    She crouched down on the floor, inviting the Tiefling to take a seen on her bedroll with a wave of her hand.

    "The Shadowfell..." It was hard to put in words - they weren't her strength at the best of times, and though she'd been trying to figure out how to explain it for days now, she hadn't come up with something she thought would make anyone understand. "It's... heavy. It isn't just gloomy to be there - it makes everything there gloomy - grey, and heavy. The inevitability of... death, of the end of life, of the end of *everything*, is everywhere, You feel it all the time. You drown in it. its like.... fuck. Imagine if someone gave Roscoe a puppy, and he was super excited and he loved that fucking thing. And then it died. That's what being in the Shadowfell is like - all the time."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 05:15 pm

    Kallista nodded.

    "Wow... I didn't realize. But you're not there anymore. Things are better now... right?"
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 05:19 pm

    "No. Part of being Shadar-Kai means that we always have the Shadowfell with us - inside us. Always. And if we're not fucking careful... it will consume us. And then, its just the end. It isn't even death. We just fall in to shadow. You stop feeling. You stop fighting. And then you just fucking stop."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 05:32 pm

    Kallista was quiet for a long while, trying to work her way through what her friend was telling her. If it was true, and she had no reason to suspect it wasn't, then it meant there was next to nothing she could do for her friend. It wasn't a question of a passing depression or a grumpy mood. It was a part of her. As much a component of her being as the blood that flowed through her veins. And there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

    Kallista nodded, finally, and put her hand lightly on Tzesira's.

    "Is there anything you can do? Anything... I can do?" she asked quietly, although she already knew the answer.
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 06:00 pm

    And here came the hard part - talking not in the abstract, but in terms of the personal. She squeezed her friend's hand, even as she pursed her lips.

    "Yeah. First of all - I don't want you to think of me as some big fuckin' hopeless mess. I'm not, okay? Just sometimes I have rough times, and they're... pretty fucking rough. Shit didn't go how I was hoping for me when I went home, and it was hard. And then I come back here, and everyone's second guessing everything I say, and... well fuck, it doesn't matter. It was just bad fucking timing." Somehow, she managed to keep from mentioning Magcairn, but after a pause, she found she couldn't let it go completely. "I don't care if people don't agree with me - really I don't - just don't tell me I'm a bad person because I don't believe the same things you do."

    Tzesira scowled, realizing she was derailing herself. "Fuck, forget it. Look, though, There are things I can do. That's what I'm supposed to be doing here - find some kind of balance. It's just.... hard. You're already someone I can have fun with, more than most other people here, and I need that."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 06:35 pm

    Kallista smiled cautiously.

    "I don't think you're a hopeless mess, T. And I certainly don't think you're a bad person. Yeah, we disagree sometimes, but that doesn't mean I think any less of you."

    She grinned and lightly punched Tzesira in the shoulder.

    "And if it's fun you're looking for, I'm definitely your girl. I just want you to know I'm here for you if you ever need me. I understand there's a lot you can't talk about, and probably even more that you just don't want to, but there's no shame in asking for help sometimes. And if and when you do need me, I'll be there."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 07:06 pm

    She couldn't help but grin when Kallista punched her in the shoulder.

    "Yeah, I know." She shook her head, a mischevious twinkle in her eye and her grin broadening. "I just can't believe you thought I was gonna die - even if I didn't know you assholes had my back, you fuckin' *knew* I paid in at the guild. Dumbass."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 07:27 pm

    Kallista blushed slightly.

    "Yeah, well... I guess I wasn't thinking. It was the middle of a battle and all."

    She shrugged.

    "But I should have known better. Even if you did die, the gods would probably kick your ass back down here so fast it would make MY head spin."
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by elanya on 23/01/12, 07:34 pm

    At that she laughed, springing to her feet and offering her friend a hand up.

    "Fuckin yeah, something like that - Queen's not done with me yet, and *I'd* Kick the ass of anyone else who tried to meddle. Wanna go kill some elementals?"
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    Re: Out with it, then...

    Post by tuck on 23/01/12, 07:38 pm

    Kallista took her friend's hand and hopped gracefully up to her feet with a laugh.

    "Yeah, I do. And I can't think of anyone else I'd rather do it with."

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